Posted 4 months ago

Girlfriend, oh you’re girlfriends drifting away. Past and present, 1855, 1901...” One of my closest friends just told me “guitar boy” texted her the other day asking for advice on how to help a girl he knows who starves herself and throws up saying Arizona girls are so skinny. He has to be talking about his girlfriend, who I struggled so bad to llove and forgive and here she is, in all her over-the-top smiles and friendlines, starving herself under that mask. I feel so stupid and cruel for judging her so quickly. It makes me feel sick. I’ve heard her make a downgrading comment or two weight-wise but I’d never of imagined this, she’s so tiny, and it just goes to show you never know anyone or what they’re going through until you step into their gladiator sandals and walk around a bit.

I think i’m going to do my upmost to reach out to her with my friendship and forgiveness because she clearly needs to know she’s loved and she isn’t alone. Maybe I can right this mistake. But it makes me want to cry, she’s feeling so insecure and in the dark. And I need a freind sorely right now so maybe it’ll be good for both of us.

Posted 4 months ago
:) He knew what I really needed to hear. He must know me.:) He went up to my mom one Sunday at church awhile back and told her not a lot of people really got to know me well enough to know I have a really good sense of humor and a great personality. And that he was really grateful to be one of those who did. That means the world to me. 
Aaand…I drove for the first real time tonight. Eeeek! It’s so terrifying!! Still shaking. Anxiety. Not. Okay. Just saying. 

:) He knew what I really needed to hear. He must know me.:) He went up to my mom one Sunday at church awhile back and told her not a lot of people really got to know me well enough to know I have a really good sense of humor and a great personality. And that he was really grateful to be one of those who did. That means the world to me. 

Aaand…I drove for the first real time tonight. Eeeek! It’s so terrifying!! Still shaking. Anxiety. Not. Okay. Just saying. 

Posted 4 months ago

A friend or mine’s mother, a close friend of my mom, and a woman I dearly looked up to and am indebted to took her own life last Sunday. The funeral was today. This beautiful woman was my youth advisor when I was a small, quiet, self-consious 12 year old girl, always the odd one out. She would sit and talk to me during activities so that I was never alone and, later wrote me a note thanking me for letting her, when it had made all the difference to an insecure 6th grader in a hard place. She was one of the most Christ-like, selfless women I ever met and could not be held accountable for what she did in the next life, her mental illness was too great and she didn’t know what she was doing. I’m so grateful to have known such an angelic woman and I want to say that anyone feeling depressed or unloved, alone or forgotten, don’t give up. You are worth it. You are not forgotten. And you are not alone. And my heart goes out to you. She is in God’s rest now, death her next great adventure. But your adventure goes on, and it is not your time yet. I do not know you, but my prayers go out to you. Do not give up. Your kindness could mean the world to some small, selfconsious 12 year old one day. I know she meant the world to me. Rest in peace, beautiful angel. 

Posted 5 months ago
"A brighter day is coming my way. Yes, tomorrow will be kinder." 
In his email to me this morning he said”: “Things will change haha!! They always do!” and he’s right. The only thing that’s ever constant is change. And I so look forward to that change. I think i’m going to write him a letter now. Who knows if i’ll have the guts to send it but, hey, we’ll see.

"A brighter day is coming my way. Yes, tomorrow will be kinder." 

In his email to me this morning he said”: “Things will change haha!! They always do!” and he’s right. The only thing that’s ever constant is change. And I so look forward to that change. I think i’m going to write him a letter now. Who knows if i’ll have the guts to send it but, hey, we’ll see.

Posted 5 months ago
I love staying up late and watching awful cheesy Hallmark movies with my mom.(: It’s our thing now and I’m really gonna miss it someday.

I love staying up late and watching awful cheesy Hallmark movies with my mom.(: It’s our thing now and I’m really gonna miss it someday.

Posted 5 months ago
Today I feel better. I finally feel alright again. I don’t need him. In fact, i’m so glad he’s where he needs to be. I don’t even miss him much anymore. And I can be so so good and so so happy without him. And it’s beautiful. So so beautiful. 

Today I feel better. I finally feel alright again. I don’t need him. In fact, i’m so glad he’s where he needs to be. I don’t even miss him much anymore. And I can be so so good and so so happy without him. And it’s beautiful. So so beautiful. 

Posted 5 months ago
I usually solve my problems by letting them devour me.
Or at least that’s what I’ve been doing lately. I don’t really talk to people much anymore, I mean really talk, anyways. I’ve forgotten how to open up to people because I’m scared the moment I do everything eating at me from beneath my skin will escape my mouth and I’ll be left vulnerable and afraid. Beleive me, i’m safer this way.

(Source: durianquotes)

Posted 5 months ago
I’ve come to this conclusion: i’m the little sister, he likes this other beautiful girl- the one who inadvertently “broke” him and his girlfirend up. She’s perfect, though, and a super close friend of mine and completely belongs to someone else. But he’s gone for the next 2 years, so what does it matter anyhow? This is my last conclusion, I’m okay with it. And I don’t mind being alone too much anymore. 

I’ve come to this conclusion: i’m the little sister, he likes this other beautiful girl- the one who inadvertently “broke” him and his girlfirend up. She’s perfect, though, and a super close friend of mine and completely belongs to someone else. But he’s gone for the next 2 years, so what does it matter anyhow? This is my last conclusion, I’m okay with it. And I don’t mind being alone too much anymore. 

Posted 5 months ago
                haha! very nice!! How is life (*insert the dorky nickname he insists on calling me*)!? Junior year! Ya, I am almost out of the MTC and it has been great. I have had so many awesome experiences. I have learned so many cool things here about the gospel and scriptures! Just a quick catch up: we eat beans and rice alllllll the time…. The CCM is a very beautiful place compared to the city. Mexicans love ketchup on their pizza. Umm… what else….. the ice cream isnt as good here…… But I will be in the States in a week so there will be normal food!! We study Spanish for about 9 hours everyday, I play a lot of soccer when I can, and water falls from the sky here. I think they call it rain. Did we ever get that in Arizona? Anyway, I am really grateful for that letter that you gave me right before I left, it was really thoughful and meant a lot. I love you and your family sooo much! You guys are awesome!                                                                                      Elder ______
:)

                haha! very nice!! How is life (*insert the dorky nickname he insists on calling me*)!? Junior year! Ya, I am almost out of the MTC and it has been great. I have had so many awesome experiences. I have learned so many cool things here about the gospel and scriptures! Just a quick catch up: we eat beans and rice alllllll the time…. The CCM is a very beautiful place compared to the city. Mexicans love ketchup on their pizza. Umm… what else….. the ice cream isnt as good here…… But I will be in the States in a week so there will be normal food!! We study Spanish for about 9 hours everyday, I play a lot of soccer when I can, and water falls from the sky here. I think they call it rain. Did we ever get that in Arizona? Anyway, I am really grateful for that letter that you gave me right before I left, it was really thoughful and meant a lot. I love you and your family sooo much! You guys are awesome!                                                                                      Elder ______

:)

(Source: contagiouslies)

Posted 5 months ago

I’m isolating myself…I don’t know why but I am.

I’m in a crowd of familair faces- why do I feel alone?