Posted 1 month ago

Not “never been kissed” anymore !!

Last monday night he was at my house wiht a few other friends and we were cuddling and watching Lord of the Ring (which really already makes for a perfect night). My head was in his shoulder and his strong arms were around me and I’ve gone this far in my life (17) never having felt wanted in that kind of way and I’ve decided I really don’t mind being held. My goodness it was so nice, I just felt safe and taken care of and at home. And he had to leave earlier thann everyone else and asked me to walk him out and I remember my first thought being: “okay, but i’m not going to kiss you” and we see how well that worked out. Haha but  he hugged me in front tof the door before we walked out really tight and we stood there a moment and I love hugging him because just this comfortable, safe  air sets in and it makes me not want to let go. And when it was over he left his hands on my waist and just said: “Would it be really bad if I kissed you?” kinda quiet. And me, being so smooth and great when put on the spot like that, just said “I don’t know” awkwardly and quiet…twice.Because I was just real nervous because I knrew that he’s had girlfriends before and was afraid I was an awful kisser and was afraid it wouldn’t be what it was chalked up to be, but he leaned in anyway and pressed his lips up against mine softly a moment and kissed him back and then it was over and he smiled at me and walked out to his car and I watched him go. And it was odd and different and wonderful and I’ve decided I quite like kissing, Kissing is fun. 

Posted 1 month ago
Things Scientist calls me:
shorty
cutie
beautiful
(today he called me lovely)
the occasional, and very sarchastic “dear”
clever
witty
miss grammer
miss english
etc. 
The names I call him:
dork
nerd
loser
weirdo
and the occasional “scruffy-looking nerf hearder”
I think this is a problem. Haha

Things Scientist calls me:

  • shorty
  • cutie
  • beautiful
  • (today he called me lovely)
  • the occasional, and very sarchastic “dear”
  • clever
  • witty
  • miss grammer
  • miss english
  • etc. 

The names I call him:

  • dork
  • nerd
  • loser
  • weirdo
  • and the occasional “scruffy-looking nerf hearder”

I think this is a problem. Haha

Posted 1 month ago

He really makes me smile. (:

He texted me a few nights ago whilst I was on a camping trip- which was so so amazing to be camping again, just wanted I needed to plug myself out of stressful high school and back into myself. And he was at a few mutual friends of ours birthday party and al he said was “If you came tonight you would’ve had to slow dance with me, so you’re lucky. (;” and I teasingly asked “I would’ve had to?” and he responding with a “yes, because I would’ve asked and {this one girl} would’ve made you.” which was the truest statement I had heard all that day. 

Aaand another time when he was driving me home from our date we were having an intense discussion about pick-up lines and he held out one of his hands in a fist and said “here, can you hold something for me?” and so I put my hand under his, so as to take whatever he wanted me to hold and he just dropped his hand till I was holding it. I then proceeded to laugh, then let go and make him put both hands back on the wheel and reminded him no more shenanegans. I can’t tell him how smooth I thought that was, it would go to the kid’s head. ;)

He asked me on another date the other day because he was teasing me about how I needed a prize because I rubbed it in that I got a higher grade on my chem final than he did (because he’s a frikin’ genious and builds computers and is that obnoxious kid in class that does nothing but spins out 100% on the tests) anywayys, he took 5 minutes and slept after his test so I barely did better than him on the 40 minutes I spent on mine. But I still gave him a hard time and he told me my prize could be to pick what we do for our next date, to which witty me replies “I don’t recall being asked on a 2nd date” aand he promtly called me with the words “you brought this upon yourself” and asked me out. Then we talked on the phone about nothing for 33 minutes and I hate talking on the phone but didn’t mind it at all sooo that’s got to stand for something, right? Haha

A few months ago, before I got angry and cut all my hair off and such, we went to see a movie together with a bunch of my friends (The Hobbit 2, which I saw in theatres 3 times. Ima nerd.) aand a little farther than half-way through he tried to kiss me. (My friends didn’t notice) Which was real awkward because I thought he was trying to talk to me and so I jokingly brushed him off and told him to just watch the movie and bless this kid because he must’ve been really hurt but I think he could tell I was uncomfortable and he immediately went along with it. I told him quietly a minute later that I was sorry and just wasn’t ready for that. I waited awhile than went to the bathroom and had a bit of an anxiety attack, settled myself, then when back into the theatre and afterwards we were able to laugh and talk like nothing had happened and without it really being awkward. He texted me afterwards, apologized and asked if I was alright and I can’t even say how grateful I was to him for not acting wounded and being completely understanding and letting me know that he’s here for me. After that we kept talking and at some point I let him know I wasn’t looking for some kind of relationship but we kept talking and eventually he stopped texting me because he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. But his family came over for dinner one time and his mom- who is amazing- asked me if I would’ve gone to a self-defense class he did for his birthday party and I gave him a hard time about not inviting me and how we basically just weren’t even friends. And he jokingly agreed and said he might send in an application to be my friend and that’s how we started talking again. 

Posted 1 month ago
I’m not sure which is worse: intense feeling, or the absence of it.
Margaret Atwood (via cybergirlfriend)

(Source: rabbitinthemoon)

Posted 1 month ago

I can be myself with you. (: And I like that me. And sometimes I have this odd feeling you know her better than I do. 

This last thursday, I went over to his house with my sister ( who tells me this wasn’t too awkward for her, she wants me to marry him ) and we- well, mostly him and me making fun of him/moral support- made breakfast and watched Doctor Who for 6 hours. My sister took the recliner and I sat next to him on the loveseat (that’s just what it’s called!! no coincidence c;) and after not to long he gave me kind of a funny side-ways look like "we need to fix this" and then he covered my hand with his and then he intertwined his fingers with mine for the 2nd time. Later, he draper his arm over my shoulders and, after awhile, I put my head on his shoulder and he folded his over mine. He then covered my small hand with his very large one and traced my petite fingers with his thumb, which I will say I didn’t mind(; though i’m not so sure I’ll get used to it. And I hope I never do. I hope I blush and am suprised every time he calls me beautiful or lovely or clever. And I hope I get rapid, awful butterflies everytime he takes my hand. And this is all very new to me, aaand as much as he might like me to think he’s experienced, I think it’s all fairly new to him as well. And I would say he’s almost like my boyfriend just without the label.He acts like my boyfriend and texts me from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed and we tease one another relentlessly and I really do consider him one of my best friends as well as a bit more. 

I’m just glad I can be a nerd with him and weird with him and for some odd reason he thinks it’s adorable. He skipped to the end of the season because I told him once that the last 2 episodes of season 2 made me cry and he was basically holding me- or as close to that as I’ve ever been- by the end and laughing because I was emotional and it was pathetic but he was comforting me at the same time- over my stupid feels. And his sister saw him holding my hand and with his arm around me so he’ll pry get relentlessly teased but I’m not sure he cares. 

But this quote reminds me of him, how he has sort of become himself and become so familiar to me ifrom the time I met him to the short time whatever’s going on has been going.

Posted 1 month ago
Soo this guy really really cares about me. And I like him back. And he asked me o and I made him call and ask and I had to explain to him that I’m not allowed to have a boyfriend when he asked after I said yes if that meant we were dating. And he tried so hard to keep where we were going a suprise and he tortured me with it and gave me hints until I talked him into telling me. And he picked me up in his mother’s camero and  took me out to Hale Theatre (the musical “9 to 5” because he thought I’d enjoy that it was Dolly Parton’s even though he hates country music- definitely the nicest place anyone’s ever taken me and the only date I’ve beem on that felt like, well, a date, and I’ve been on a decent amount of those.) and I let him hold my hand. (i’m 17 and no one’s ever done that before.) He put his arm next to mine to see if I moved away first- to see if it was okay- then covered me hand with his, then entwined our fingers and I got major butterflies, worse than ever. And my heart-rate when crazy as he traced my fingers and small circles on the outside of my palm. And during intermission we were talking and he kept asking if I was enjoying myself and he held up our hands and turned them over twice, eyeing them and when I laughed and asked him what he was doing he told me he was “analizing the situation”m which I though was adorable. And I let him put his arm aound me and trace his finger back and forth on my arm awhile. And when we walked out of the theatre side-by-side under some trees and he took my hand again, a little less timid this times as we made fun of me and calling me shorty as I raised one of my arms and tried to reach the leaves hanging down from the willows until we reached the car where he- once again- opened another door for me. And when we went through a Dairy Queen drive-through and sat in the parking lot with our cookie-dough Blizzards talking music I’m slightly sure he was singing to me when he turned on “Rhythm of Love” by the Plain White Tee’s and I sang too. And he kept glancing over at me and I was so scared he was going to try and kiss me that I just stared down at my ice cream. And then he took me home and I knocked on the door almost right away once again afraid he would try and kiss me goodnight, and he hugged me and left and I walked inside and my mother’s first words were “well, all you lipstick still looks intact.” 
And a few weeks before we went to a movie in the park wth a friend of mine, and actually “guitar guy” and his girl whom I am both fairly good friends with again now and am grateful for that-they’re wonderful. (: And we all messed around at Goodwill and tried funny clothes on and he tried to teach me how to tie a tie. And before the movie we set up blankets and when I fell down into them and refused to get up he slung me over his shoulder like I weighed nothing and carried me to the popcorn line- laughing whenever I argued or demanded to be put down. And he put his arm behind/around me that night and afterwards spent the remaineder of our time at Burger King waving a glowstick someone had given him around, teasing me when I couldn’t grab it in time, like a cat toy. After that, we were going to swim in a fountain and guitar guy brought us to this super sketchy pond in the neighborhood and convined his girl and my friend to jump in, my friend of course begged me to jump in long enough and I gave in. Scientist guy being the only one smart enough to not jump in and just laughed at us. He helped me out and gave me a towel and we were leaning over oppsite sides of this “do not swim in pond” sign (yes, it would seem miss goodie-2-shoes has gone rebel c; it’s only funny because it’s so far from the truth) and it was just one of those moments that for some reason resonates and lasts and I had never really been attracted to him before that but wour eyes met and we just had a moment of silent understanding pass between us that I can’t understand and I just found him beautiful in that moment. 
And, he tells me I’m beautiful and it makes me sad because I know I don’t like him nearly as much as he cares about me and if I could choose to I would, but I haven’t figured out quite how yet. But I know until i’m sure I really, really do like him and not just the way he treats me or the way he influencially helps my self-esteem I know I can’t let him kiss me. And I just don’t wheartant it to hurt him. 

Soo this guy really really cares about me. And I like him back. And he asked me o and I made him call and ask and I had to explain to him that I’m not allowed to have a boyfriend when he asked after I said yes if that meant we were dating. And he tried so hard to keep where we were going a suprise and he tortured me with it and gave me hints until I talked him into telling me. And he picked me up in his mother’s camero and  took me out to Hale Theatre (the musical “9 to 5” because he thought I’d enjoy that it was Dolly Parton’s even though he hates country music- definitely the nicest place anyone’s ever taken me and the only date I’ve beem on that felt like, well, a date, and I’ve been on a decent amount of those.) and I let him hold my hand. (i’m 17 and no one’s ever done that before.) He put his arm next to mine to see if I moved away first- to see if it was okay- then covered me hand with his, then entwined our fingers and I got major butterflies, worse than ever. And my heart-rate when crazy as he traced my fingers and small circles on the outside of my palm. And during intermission we were talking and he kept asking if I was enjoying myself and he held up our hands and turned them over twice, eyeing them and when I laughed and asked him what he was doing he told me he was “analizing the situation”m which I though was adorable. And I let him put his arm aound me and trace his finger back and forth on my arm awhile. And when we walked out of the theatre side-by-side under some trees and he took my hand again, a little less timid this times as we made fun of me and calling me shorty as I raised one of my arms and tried to reach the leaves hanging down from the willows until we reached the car where he- once again- opened another door for me. And when we went through a Dairy Queen drive-through and sat in the parking lot with our cookie-dough Blizzards talking music I’m slightly sure he was singing to me when he turned on “Rhythm of Love” by the Plain White Tee’s and I sang too. And he kept glancing over at me and I was so scared he was going to try and kiss me that I just stared down at my ice cream. And then he took me home and I knocked on the door almost right away once again afraid he would try and kiss me goodnight, and he hugged me and left and I walked inside and my mother’s first words were “well, all you lipstick still looks intact.” 

And a few weeks before we went to a movie in the park wth a friend of mine, and actually “guitar guy” and his girl whom I am both fairly good friends with again now and am grateful for that-they’re wonderful. (: And we all messed around at Goodwill and tried funny clothes on and he tried to teach me how to tie a tie. And before the movie we set up blankets and when I fell down into them and refused to get up he slung me over his shoulder like I weighed nothing and carried me to the popcorn line- laughing whenever I argued or demanded to be put down. And he put his arm behind/around me that night and afterwards spent the remaineder of our time at Burger King waving a glowstick someone had given him around, teasing me when I couldn’t grab it in time, like a cat toy. After that, we were going to swim in a fountain and guitar guy brought us to this super sketchy pond in the neighborhood and convined his girl and my friend to jump in, my friend of course begged me to jump in long enough and I gave in. Scientist guy being the only one smart enough to not jump in and just laughed at us. He helped me out and gave me a towel and we were leaning over oppsite sides of this “do not swim in pond” sign (yes, it would seem miss goodie-2-shoes has gone rebel c; it’s only funny because it’s so far from the truth) and it was just one of those moments that for some reason resonates and lasts and I had never really been attracted to him before that but wour eyes met and we just had a moment of silent understanding pass between us that I can’t understand and I just found him beautiful in that moment. 

And, he tells me I’m beautiful and it makes me sad because I know I don’t like him nearly as much as he cares about me and if I could choose to I would, but I haven’t figured out quite how yet. But I know until i’m sure I really, really do like him and not just the way he treats me or the way he influencially helps my self-esteem I know I can’t let him kiss me. And I just don’t wheartant it to hurt him. 

Posted 1 month ago

Gosh, it’s been awhile since I’ve falling down the rabbit-hole into tumblr-land. I missed you all. 

Soo I’ll just cut to the chase. There’s a guy. Weird, huh?! There’s this really sweet and genuine guy who- I can’t tell why yet- but really, really likes me.

And I met him when he starting taking missionary lesson’s at my house because his sister was invited to mutual and his step-dad used to be a member and wanted to get back into the church (but his step-dad went sorta awol and caused a mess) 

But he- we’ll call him The Scientist becauseee COLDPLAY<3- he’s supportive and has come to church 2 weeks in a row because I spoke 1 week and sang the other and I didn’t even ask him to, aand he’s kind and he tells me i’m beautiful, not because he wants something from me or a compliment back but because he wants to say it and when I argue with him he’ll send me these rare, almost praragraph-long messges as to why he’s right aaand I don’t understand why but he cares a lot about me. And he makes me oh so nervous, and I told him that because I’m not used to being liked (which he thought was weird and thought I got a lot of attention…) but he apologized if his liking me made me uncomfortable and said he hopes he can ease me into it but i’m terrified to fall for someone because I don’t inderstand it aand had sworn I didn’t beleive in love for too long and can’t control it. 

And he’s wonderful.

And I am oh so scared. 

Posted 8 months ago

Girlfriend, oh you’re girlfriends drifting away. Past and present, 1855, 1901...” One of my closest friends just told me “guitar boy” texted her the other day asking for advice on how to help a girl he knows who starves herself and throws up saying Arizona girls are so skinny. He has to be talking about his girlfriend, who I struggled so bad to llove and forgive and here she is, in all her over-the-top smiles and friendlines, starving herself under that mask. I feel so stupid and cruel for judging her so quickly. It makes me feel sick. I’ve heard her make a downgrading comment or two weight-wise but I’d never of imagined this, she’s so tiny, and it just goes to show you never know anyone or what they’re going through until you step into their gladiator sandals and walk around a bit.

I think i’m going to do my upmost to reach out to her with my friendship and forgiveness because she clearly needs to know she’s loved and she isn’t alone. Maybe I can right this mistake. But it makes me want to cry, she’s feeling so insecure and in the dark. And I need a freind sorely right now so maybe it’ll be good for both of us.

Posted 8 months ago
:) He knew what I really needed to hear. He must know me.:) He went up to my mom one Sunday at church awhile back and told her not a lot of people really got to know me well enough to know I have a really good sense of humor and a great personality. And that he was really grateful to be one of those who did. That means the world to me. 
Aaand&#8230;I drove for the first real time tonight. Eeeek! It&#8217;s so terrifying!! Still shaking. Anxiety. Not. Okay. Just saying. 

:) He knew what I really needed to hear. He must know me.:) He went up to my mom one Sunday at church awhile back and told her not a lot of people really got to know me well enough to know I have a really good sense of humor and a great personality. And that he was really grateful to be one of those who did. That means the world to me. 

Aaand…I drove for the first real time tonight. Eeeek! It’s so terrifying!! Still shaking. Anxiety. Not. Okay. Just saying. 

Posted 8 months ago

A friend or mine’s mother, a close friend of my mom, and a woman I dearly looked up to and am indebted to took her own life last Sunday. The funeral was today. This beautiful woman was my youth advisor when I was a small, quiet, self-consious 12 year old girl, always the odd one out. She would sit and talk to me during activities so that I was never alone and, later wrote me a note thanking me for letting her, when it had made all the difference to an insecure 6th grader in a hard place. She was one of the most Christ-like, selfless women I ever met and could not be held accountable for what she did in the next life, her mental illness was too great and she didn’t know what she was doing. I’m so grateful to have known such an angelic woman and I want to say that anyone feeling depressed or unloved, alone or forgotten, don’t give up. You are worth it. You are not forgotten. And you are not alone. And my heart goes out to you. She is in God’s rest now, death her next great adventure. But your adventure goes on, and it is not your time yet. I do not know you, but my prayers go out to you. Do not give up. Your kindness could mean the world to some small, selfconsious 12 year old one day. I know she meant the world to me. Rest in peace, beautiful angel.